January 31, 2014

Divorce Is Not The Answer

I'm not perfect. I am impatient. I can be selfish. I can be moody. I am stubborn. I don’t always think before I speak. I stress over little things. I can be a nag and be overbearing. I expect too much. I don’t always appreciate what I have.

But, no matter what, there he is, always at my side.

My rock. My partner. My best friend. My husband and the father of my children.

I love him very much.

However, I know there are times when I treat my husband like crap.

I don't know why.... he doesn't deserve it.

Even in the midst of a fight with him, I often catch myself wondering, WHY?

Why am I yelling at someone I love?
Why do I always have to be right and have the last say?
Why do I want him to feel bad for making me feel bad?
Why can’t I just let it go?

I know when I'm tired or in a bad mood or if I had a bad day, I find myself directing my anger and stress at my husband. Sometimes the chaos of life causes me to push my husband's feelings to the side.

However, no matter how much strain gets put on our relationship, DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

I need to remember to always prioritize our commitment to one another. It is that commitment that started this whole journey that we share together.

We are one. We are a team. We are husband and wife. We need to face all of life's challenges together rather than trying to take it out on one another.

One thing I always tell my friends when they ask how Eric and I have made it work through all these years is that,

"Communication is key."

To me, communication is the most important part of a relationship. Some say it's trust, but if you communicate everything with one another, what is there NOT to trust? It just comes hand-in-hand.

However, sometimes communication can be a Catch 22 because when we do communicate, there are times when it does lead to an argument because one may not be happy with what the other person has to say.

When we argue, I know that I personally don't react to it well. I get very defensive and emotional. I become hard headed and easily annoyed. Everything sets me off. After I say my piece, I shut down. I don’t want to hear what anyone else has to say.

Yes, I am very childish that way and I admit it.

But even though some may be with a person like that and want to end it, my husband knows that DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

He usually is very patient with me and level-headed and just lets me rant. Sometimes that's all most people need, just to be listened to. And I mean, REALLY listened to.

However, there are times when I am guilty of not always handling my husband's outbursts as kindly and as understanding as he does to me.

Eric doesn’t get mad at me often, but when he does that’s when it gets bad.

My pride gets in the way.

I fight back. I don't listen. I try to be tougher and I want to win.

Eventually, we become two very angry people who are just trying to one-up each other.

There is a great quote on a "Marriage Rules" plaque that I got from my aunt that states,

"If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your spouse."

I need to be the bigger person, like my husband usually is to me. I need to let him communicate his thoughts to me without getting upset. I need to be there for him and REALLY listen to his problems, his wants, his concerns.

I need to remember that I am in control of my own happiness and I can choose my reaction to any situation.

If an argument arises, I shouldn't let my emotions get the best of me. I shouldn't take my husband's opinions and problems as an attack. I shouldn’t hate him for saying what's on his mind even though what he’s saying may make me want to. I shouldn't bring up the past and I should never attack his character.

I need to just let it go and not make it bigger than it needs to be because DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

We can't allow petty arguments to grow big enough to destroy our relationship.

I have seen so many great relationships end and I don’t want us to be another statistic of high school sweethearts who didn’t make it.

I am not perfect nor will I ever be perfect. I am thankful that my husband has always accepted me through all my imperfections. But I know he can only handle so much before he reaches his breaking point.

I need to make a change within myself.

For some, change can be difficult. It may at times seem easier to not put in the effort and to just give up, but DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

As long as your love was created with a strong foundation of communication, faith, humility, compassion, and respect, it will be strong enough to withstand all of life's tribulations.

Our love is beautiful and the life that my husband and I share together is something worth saving.

Don't ever take our love for granted. It is something that requires constant work and commitment and needs to be nurtured to continue to grow.

My husband deserves a woman who builds him up and supports his dreams. He deserves a woman who appreciates him and respects him. He deserves a woman who allows him to voice his feelings and concerns without judgement. He deserves a woman who gives him hugs & kisses and tells him "I love you". He deserves a woman who wants him and needs him. He deserves a woman who is patient, understanding, nurturing, and kind.

I will strive to always be that woman.

I shouldn't allow the stresses of life to prevent me from treating him with the love that he deserves.

He makes me want to be a better version of myself.

And that's what spouses should do:

"Inspire each other to grow and be better every single day."

Photo credit: Michael Yenor Photography
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  1. I admire your relationship very much. It gives me hope

  2. "I am not perfect nor will I ever be perfect. So, I am thankful that my husband has always accepted me through all my imperfections..."

    To be as evolved...or at the very least...willing to evolve at your juncture is a breath of fresh air. It took me a lot of years, a failed marriage, and continued support from counseling to get to this point.

    I have found that you can have your flaws but must learn healthy ways of having them without afflicting those who you love. Right now is a good time and Eric is supportive, but like two pieces of rope rubbing together...something bad can happen if those two consistently wear at each other. One will only be so strong for so long. Additionally, like any tragic event, you will have to go back and see if things could have been prevented.

    We suffer from similar sounding personalities so learn "to speak healthily", "listen to hear...not to reply", and to love today, cuz tomorrow may bring on the unthinkable.

    Nice article.

  3. I agree with your approach and I want this year to be better for my husband and I this inspire me to better person for my relationship thanks mabby

  4. That was such a beautiful post! I'm not married yet but I am in a long term relationship and we have had our struggles. Even though this post was directed at divorce specifically, I still learned some wonderful advice that I know can benefit me and my relationship. Thank you for sharing! :)

  5. Sadly, divorce has become a go-to option for various marriage relationship problems. It’s heartbreaking, because everyone has to deal with the daunting process of divorce, and it could be quite traumatizing for the children. So your post is very helpful in giving people an idea on how to keep their relationship as solid as a rock. Thanks for sharing!

    Joanne Krueger @ Kurtz & Blum